By: Mercy Kamana
When God made me a mother, I knew it would change me; but I didn’t really know how it would change me.
I knew I would sleep less — which is a battle, by the way; I knew I would have less time for myself and more time for a tiny person who was as helpless as she was demanding. But I just didn’t realise that I had just been pierced in my heart by cupid’s unforgiving arrow and my heart was now raw and open.
When I arrived home from hospital with her, I just couldn’t get over how tiny she was. I kept going to check on her while she slept just to confirm that she was breathing.
I was worried, excited, scared, elatedthe works! As if it knew I was anxious, her cord took 17 days to drop, 17 days! She needs to be on Guinness book of records!
I didn’t realise that I would be hurt and enthralled by children in equal measure, all children not just mine. By: children I mean any person born of a woman. A few weeks ago as I was driving to work, we noticed a commotion outside. After a few minutes, we noticed that a thief had been caught and was getting a beating of a life time. My heart broke when I saw fresh blood oozing from an open wound on his forehead. All I could think of is: A woman went into labour to give birth to this man.
Today, nothing breaks my heart more than seeing images or hearing stories of a child suffering or in pain. And there are no words to describe how it feels to see my own child in pain, however slight. Like today when she feel headfirst from the couch; my heart stopped beating.
FEELINGS OF GUILT
As I rubbed her forehead trying to apologise to her amidst screams and tears, I just couldn’t help feeling guilty.
I had more questions going through my head than a health insurance application sheet. Did I look away too long? Yet I only took my eyes off her for a split second as I adjusted her baby walker and BAM! She was done. Should I have just left her on the bed? Never mind that she rolls all over a six by six foot bed, corner to corner.
When a semblance of calm returned, and she finally forgave me and confirmed with a smile, I realised that she stopped being mine the moment she got out of the safety of my ‘belly’.
Now I have to share her with the world, including little things that I don’t like very much like bacteria. I sometime have to let other people hold her, even hurt her — for her sake.
I almost cried in every jab appointment we went to. I was more traumatised than she was. And the one time she was admitted in hospital with pneumonia was just heart wrenching.
I cried a river as they took her away to insert a ‘needle’ in her veins for the IV. Her screams from across the hallway didn’t make things any easier. I just wished I would take her pain and feel it for her.
I have reconciled with the fact that I will probably be in constant state of concern. I will be anxious when she goes to school, when she becomes a teenager, when she goes to college, when she finally gets married and leaves me — I will never stop caring!
All I will do is pray for her unceasingly, give the best I can as God provides and enjoy the journey. It’s a privilege to be a mom — the heart aches and the joys and all