RELATIONSHIP TIPS: Seven tips for better intimacy


Intimacy is beautiful when done right, but when not, it can be off-putting. Here are some tips for better and seamless intimacy with your partner.

The ‘on’ switch myth: According to Julie Orlov, the author of The Pathway to Love: Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationship, expecting your partner to be up for the game anywhere and any time is a mistake.

“Contrary to common belief, your man doesn’t have an instant ‘on’ switch for physical intimacy. Slow, subtle, not-so-subtle, creative and varied approaches are just as essential for men as they are for women,” she says, adding that you ought to know when to

back off, when to come on, and how to touch and stimulate your man.

COMMUNICATING YOUR LIKES AND DISLIKES: According to Chris Hart, a Nairobi-based psychologist, you should tell your partner that you like something he does to you during intimacy or that you’ve become fond of a particular deed.

However, if you dislike something he’s been doing, it may be best to keep quiet. “Telling him what feels nice means you’ll get more of it, while he’ll slowly stop doing the things you ignore,” he points out.

AVOID MELODRAMA: According to match-maker and author Richard Easton, you should stop being melodramatic during physical intimacy.

“Melodrama is annoying. Don’t start acting out especially if he just started fooling around,” he says.

“On the other hand, if you’re both in sync, requisite sound effects may be a welcome boost.” In the same vein, avoid the temptation to fake an orgasm in a bid to please him.

STAY AWAY FROM ROUTINE: Avoid sticking to a rigid routine. Routines beget boredom. Further, according to Dr Hart, they make intimacy a chore that is hardly enjoyable.

“If he suggests something you’ve never thought of before, give it ago, and while at it, make a few suggestions of your own,” he advises. This should be within both your values.

“If everything he’s ever suggested sounds simply dreadful, then maybe the two of should never have gotten married.”

MANAGE EXPECTATIONS: Your man will not roar every time you get intimate, neither will you. There are times he might display poor form.

Resist the urge to criticise him and do not blame yourself for his poor performance. It may not be because he has another partner on the side or because he has lost interest in you; it is just one of those days.

The reason behind it could be stress, fatigue or even trying too hard.

CODED MESSAGES: Do not always wait on your partner to do the donkey work. In fact, Dr Hart recommends coming up with secret ways to tell your partner whether you are in the mood or not.

“This is what skillful couples do. But you have to keep track of the messages you send to avoid confusing your partner.”

Not time to talk: It may be that you think getting physically intimate will give you an opportunity to talk about your requests, schedules, problems, and gifts that you need from your man.

According to Orlov, this may come off as manipulation and may be off-putting. Instead, focus on intimate talk.

“Get out of your head and into your body and allow your partner to do the same during intimacy and post-coitus,” she says, adding that you shouldn’t take it to heart if your man tends to drift off to sleep or seems uninterested in pillow talk after intimacy.

“This is how his body is designed. Don’t be rough on him.”