Is my side dish is giving me a raw deal?

By: MAURICE MATHEKA

I am a mature lady in my mid-forties. I am married with three children. My marriage is relatively okay, though I am not compatible with my husband.

By that I mean I am more aggressive and more educated than he is. Because of this, two years ago, I met another man whom I gel with very well. He is a “single” father of three children.

I say single in quotes because I have never been to his house. We communicate a lot via email and social media. This man is too busy for face-to-face meetings and coffee dates, but he claims he loves me.

I feel as if I am getting a raw deal from him and I also get the feeling that he has a wife. I am still with my husband even as I maintain a relationship with this other man. Please advise me.

READERS’ ADVICE

The grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence. May I remind you that marriage is not a competition between husband and wife to see who has excelled more than the other, neither is it about achievements.

It doesn’t matter whether you have accomplished more than your spouse, as long as you love him and he loves you too. By getting into a relationship with this other man, you are destroying not just your own family, but his family too.

Put yourself in your husband’s shoes, if he was the one saying and doing what you are doing, how would you feel? Use that to guide you on the best way to handle this self-inflicted dilemma and pray for wisdom to build rather than to break your home. Abedie Mwinzi

You’re making a grave mistake. At mid-forties with three children and in a good marriage you don’t have to look for a man with three children.

There is nothing unusual about a woman who is more educated than her husband; there are so many couples like that.

There are women CEOs whose husbands are drivers and chefs. At your age I expect you to be nurturing your marriage and setting a good example for your children since they are approaching adulthood.

If you allow lust and academic superiority to control you, you will destroy your family. Happiness in marriage is not about academic compatibility, but about respect, love and a sense of maturity.

Focus your attention on your current marriage like never before. Ernest Munyao

The wise thing to do is to leave that other man and try to work things out with your husband.

The fact that you are more educated than your husband doesn’t diminish the qualities in him that contribute to him being a good husband to you and father to your children.

I have not seen you mention anywhere that he treats you and the children badly, so those other things that you mention that make you think you are incompatible are non-issues.

There are people who are not educated to the highest level, but they are still good husbands and fathers. You claim to be mature but your actions and thought processes suggest that you are not mature at all. Matara M.Matasia

This other man is definitely taking you for a ride and you have already seen the signs. You have never been to his house, your communication patterns are rather hidden – he prefers social media and emails rather than to meet you for face-to-face conversations, and above all you are a married woman! Don’t throw your marriage into the trash for a fling. This man is not into you so concentrate on improving your marriage. Diana Majuma

EXPERT ADVICE

Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor answers:

If I may remind you, you are a married woman with three children. You need to concentrate on repairing the rift between you and your hubby. Resolve the compatibility issues with your husband.

There are high chances that this other man you are having an affair with is married and lives with his family. You are both seeking pleasures outside your marriages that you don’t get from your partners.

Unless you have given up on your marriage, you need to rethink your relationship with this other man before you destroy both your family and his. Your lover is after short-term thrills, yet you seem to be seeking something more.

This other man will just tell you what you want to hear to suit his short-term agenda with you.