How do I get my child’s father involved in our child’s life?


Dear Kitoto,

I met the father of my child in college five years ago. He was from a different tribe and at first, I was hesitant about getting into a relationship with him, not really because of his tribe, but because he was possessive, and would get offended when I talked to other men.

Even though he was persistent, and my friends kept telling me that he seemed keen on me, I ignored his advances until we completed college.

Five years later, in 2010, we met and got into a relationship. After sometime, I got pregnant, but when I told him, he took it badly, in the end telling me that we should get married, though he was unwilling to accompany me to tell my parents.

At some point, he even suggested that we should do a DNA to determine whether he is the father of my child, something that outraged me.

We broke up, and I went on to have my child. Recently, I called him, only for him to ask me whether I got married. I disconnected the call in anger, but I feel that he needs to play a role in his child’s life. What do I do?


My philosophy about relationships is you should not waste each other’s time. If we know what we are looking for in a relationship, it becomes easy to nurture it. Also, if your estranged boyfriend at some point sought a DNA test to determine whether he was the father, it communicates two things.

First, your relationship is not built on mutual understanding. Second, there are many others who are involved in your lives to the extent that there is lack of trust between you. Trust is key in building a healthy relationship. If you are to have a future together, the two of you need to have a conversation like two mature adults and discuss your relationship, including your child, and above all, deal with the suspicions that surround this relationship.

I also sense some level of aggression, perhaps based on some undisclosed bitterness you are carrying. Meet and discuss your expectations. If you desire to reconcile, ensure that he too wants the same.

I also highly suggest that you see a counsellor, should you decide to rekindle your relationship