AUNT TRUPHENA: Jealousy has poisoned my marriage


Q: I have been married for three years. I love my wife very much, so much so, that I am consumed with jealousy. Every time she goes out, I go into a panic fearing that she will see another attractive man and leave me.

This has created problems in our marriage because my wife says I am spying on her. I call and SMS her often when she is at work or away from home and when she tells me where she is, I don’t believe her.

At times I drive to where she is to confirm that she is there and we end up having an argument. I really love my wife and I can’t imagine losing her to another man. Please help me.

A: Your jealousy comes from the fear that you will lose your wife to another man. You also fear that you will lose face and respect from your friends who will talk about how you were made a fool of by your wife.

These fears have made you very insecure and all this has poisoned your marriage over time. To overcome them, you need to start taking your wife at her word, after all, on the occasions when you have gone to check whether she is at the place where she says she is, you have found her there.

This proves your wife is trustworthy. Remember trust is the cornerstone of any relationship, so your actions which show you do not trust her and the fact that you doubt her word and decency, are insulting to her. This does not bode well for a cordial relationship. Constantly questioning her whereabouts and her every move can be just as destructive as having an affair in the long run.

I’m not saying that you will begin to trust your wife today (you will continue to distrust her for a while out of sheer habit), but you need to find the strength to start acting as if you believe her and soon you will.

Stop going to check if she is where she says she is and stop questioning her about her whereabouts. When she tells you she loves you, believe her. Your major problem is that you have no self-esteem.

You feel inferior to other men and you probably believe that you are not good enough for your wife. Stop comparing yourself with other men and believe that your wife loves you because there is something special she saw in you that she did not see in any other man.

Once you believe in your worth and believe that you also deserve to have a good, beautiful and irresistible wife, like any man out there, then your problem will begin to be solved.